Friends

I've been thinking a lot lately about friendships, friendships that are good today, that have gone bad, that have completely fizzled out, and some that are just plain rocky. I'm not sure if there is any rhyme or reason to why they work out the way they do and I have yet to find any kind of commonly occurring theme. Each one is different. I've gained and I've lost many friends in my lifetime. Some have stuck around for years and some only months. I can probably count on one hand the number of friends that I actually think will stick with me until I'm old and grey, but that's ok with me. I've made it ok with me. I used to hate that I didn't have more friends and always wondered why, but as life progresses, I'm ok with it. I still wonder though the friendships that went bad, was it something that I did? Is there something that I could do? There are only a couple of people who I honestly open up my heart to and tell them how I feel and it's because I'm trying to protect myself. I don't want to let myself be vulnerable to pain, I want to "be tough", I'm beginning to think this is the part of me that might screw things up. When I have a rough patch with friends I'm not one to sit and talk it out. I usually just walk away and let things cool down and see if it picks back up. I rarely though am the one to initiate the come back which is probably part of my problem. I 98% of the time want my friendship to be restored and honestly care, but there is just this guarded part of me that can't be the one to give in and go back. The part of me that is too scared of the confrontation, too scared to hear the things I did that were wrong, too scared to just break down and lose it. So it's easier for me to just keep going on with life like it's really alright until so much time has passed that it actually becomes the norm and another friend is gone. I guess my point is that I'm so incredibly thankful for the friends that stick with me through everything no matter how difficult I can be and no matter how ridiculous things get.