Random Thoughts with a Smidge of Explanation

• True love: This morning on the radio they were talking about your first "true love" Now, I have loved someone in the past and I love someone right now, but I wouldn't call them both true love. I think true love only happens when you are with the person you are supposed to be with. I have true love right now. People always say "You just know when they're the one" and I didn't believe them, but I do now.
  
• Cell Phones: They're useful and everyone is turning to them. The home phone is becoming a thing of the past and that is fine. What I don't like is that as they become increasingly popular and can do next to anything people are forgetting their etiquette. Everyone in the room doesn't want to hear your conversation, texting the whole time while out with someone else is rude, no one wants to know every time you get a text and unless the text says that your grandma was just shipped to the ER you probably don't need to respond in the next few seconds. They can wait and cell phones have a built in silent mode for a reason.
  
• Simplicity: For a world full of computers and other random technology that I will admit I love using, I also have recently remembered my love for the simple things: conversation, a good book, games, puzzles. Things that use your mind and make your connection to people stronger.
• A home: I am ready to do whatever it takes, however many hours of work it takes, to have my own home. One that I go to every night. Not bouncing between homes, deciding which of my beds I want to sleep in, I want it to be mine. I want to make dinner every night and clean it. The idea just excites me.
  
• Hope and Faith: I think they kind of go together. I have both that things in the next year are going to play out in my favor and that I have no reason to worry. It's still a little bit scary, but I'm not letting it stress me out anymore. Everything will work out in the end. It always does.
• Job Applications: They all ask the same thing in a different way and on a different form. Wouldn't it just be easy to have a universal form that you can type your answers on or fill one out and just make copies of it. I'm sick of filling them all out.
  

Oh the weekend...

The weekend isn't over yet. I still am at home or haven't went home or am away from home ( I don't know how to say that. I don't know where my home is), but it's been quite the adventure. Ok maybe not that bad, but I did experience a first.

Saturday for the first time ever I was in the emergency room for myself. I felt like because I went to the emergency room I was going to die. Or at least there was a chance of it. That's where people go when it's an EMERGENCY. Mine I don't think really was although if I hadn't went it could have turned into one. Anyhow, I had been having these awful stabbing pains in my chest anytime that I laughed or used too much air since about Tuesday and I thought it would just go away. Needless to say it did not. In fact, it got worse. It started to hurt while just laying down or when my breath changed at all. Of course by this time it's far too late on a Friday afternoon to see a doctor, so I went to the hospital, actually I was told I was going to the hospital by a very caring and charming individual. Once we got there I was pretty much scared out of my mind. I didn't know what was going to be wrong with me and I for a short period of time was scared that I was going to be admitted. After tests and xrays and all the hoopla they put you through (including riding in a wheel chair which clearly feels like death) the Doc said I had pneumonia. He gave me drugs and sent me on my way. I'm not entirely sure they're working yet. Last night I started laughing and the pain was so awful that I was in tears. Probably the worst the pain had been ever. It kind of felt like my lungs had been tore to shreds.

I am lucky though. I caught it before it killed me and I had the best person in the world by my side the whole time. I still am so thankful that he was there with me, even though he thinks it's no big deal. I would have been terrified without him.

For some reason I adore this song right now. I'd even say it's a favorite of the moment.

Taking Five

In the last few days I have felt less stressed. I finally mailed out a handful of resumes (even though there aren't any open jobs..yet) and I've even received a couple of letters back from schools. I'm sure they are the standard "Thanks for your mail"letters that everyone gets, but it makes me feel like I'm finally doing something to put the job hunt in motion. I'm not just staring at websites anymore. I also for some reason have regained hope that maybe I do have a chance at finding a job. Maybe everything will fall into place and miraculously I will be employed. I think that loosing that hope is what led to my stress in the first place.

I also think that my stress was multiplied by trying to make everyone else's lives easy. I am constantly trying to keep everyone else happy and trying to stop arguments before they even happen and trying to solve arguments that did happen and frankly I'm not even involved in them. Why am I letting it be my issue? I feel like I'm give a mile and only getting inches in return. I'm pretty well done making everyone else happy. It's time to make me happy. It's time to let people fight their own battles.

Money is also a huge stress right now. I don't have much at all. Spending wise I'm pretty much done. I'm going to go back to my penny pinching days. No more eating out and random trips. Buy what you need and use what you have. Hopefully I'll be back on my feet in no time. Or at least mid-April.

So for now my solution is to keep my chin up, take care of myself, and take some time to enjoy the life that I have rather than living life for everyone else.

Fear, worries, and the love that keeps me sane

Fear: There are many things in life that I'm fearing at the moment. I'd say the underlying theme is failure though. Followed by disappointment. I want so badly to make something of myself and I know I will, but I also know that some people aren't so understand that it's going to take some time. It's pretty common that anyone over the age of 45 thinks that life goes as follows: graduate and get a job. It's not really that easy especially in today's job market. I want to jump into life and I want to get out on my own, but i am SO scared of failing. Everyone says I won't but no one knows that for sure, they're just telling me that to keep me calm.

Worries: I guess my worries are my fears, but more specific. I worry I won't find a job, I worry I won't find a place to live, I worry I won't be able to fill the place to live, I worry I won't be able to pay the bills, I worry I'll upset people and other random things.

Love: I can't even begin to ever tell Steven how much I appreciate everything he does for me. He has sat and talked with me so many times and helped calm me down so many times. Normally I keep things to myself and then one day I just explode, but we talk about it a lot and he doesn't let me off the hook. I need that otherwise I'd probably be dying from the stress. I've never had someone tell me that they were proud of me so often and tell me WHY. I need him in my life more than I could ever even express. He truly is a gift.

Random Thoughts...No Explanations

*I miss my extra income from giving tours. It really seems to make a difference.
*Something is going on and I'm not real sure what it is, but it's killing my emotions.
*I want the weather to be nice. I want to spend time outside.
*Apparently people are driving me crazy much easier lately.
*I have backed off from being so stressed about the future, or I have learned to deal I'm not sure which.
*I still have great fears of disappointing or upsetting my parents.
*I have never felt happier in my life. Which is why I don't understand why I'm sad.

A down right mess.

That is exactly what I have felt like lately. A mess. My plate is full and my worries are huge and it has completely consumed my mind. I keep trying to block it all out and I keep trying not to worry, but I'm not succeeding. Maybe to some I am, but to one I am not. I am actually thankful for him. He has sat and talked with me SO much this week to try to keep me calm and to keep my worries low. It has helped a lot and he's helped me to actually sit and face my fears. Here is a look into my world at the moment:

• Jobs: I have to fill out applications and write cover letters. I have to do this for tons of schools. I'm doing all of this work for all of these schools and they don't even have openings right now. It makes it difficult to get excited about. I've made nice improvement this week, but I still have so far to go.


• Life after May 3rd: So, I pack my crap up, I walk across the stage I get my diploma and I drive back to Napoleon. Then what? This is actually where tons of my worries lie. I have to find somewhere to live. I have to find a way to be able to afford to live there. I have to buy things (big things aka lots of money) to fill this place to live. I mean I have a microwave, a futon, dishes, and towels. I don't think that's going to cut it. And when do you make "the move"? How long do I keep living at home and putting money in the bank before you finally have enough? What if I plain out fail?


• Graduating: This really isn't really a great concern of mine I just have to keep at myself to do well in classes. I feel like I'm done already and classes are at the bottom of the list of important things to do. I do still need to pass.
• Lori's Wedding: I'm the maid of honor and I know that I have parties to plan and things to organize, but honestly it is the least of my concerns at the moment. Unfortunately it is at the top of Hollie's to-do list (the matron of honor). She keeps emailing me and she wants it all planned out right now it's stressing me out. I can't worry about that crap right now. It'll get done I know it will, but right now I have to get my own life headed in the right direction.
• People: I always worry about if I'm upsetting people and I'm always trying to stay on their good side and I always try to make their life easier. All of which takes time and a lot of energy. Time and energy that I really need to be spending on myself for once. So, sorry in advance if I come off harsh.

That's about all for now. I'm sure there will be plenty more. I'll keep it updated, but now my computer is about to get fixed, lets hope it goes well...

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I have found perfection. The stars have aligned, the pieces have fallen together...whatever catch phrase you enjoy the most insert it here. I am happy and have been blessed to be with someone so spectacular.

In other completely unrelated news...I feel kind of lost in the journey to employment. I'm not real sure how to go about things and it kinda freaks me out...A LOT.