Oddball topics

Family: You grow up with your family and you always have a sense of protection from them. The thought that when times get tough they will be there for you and when you are embarking on something big in life they will support you. At least that is how I have felt with mine, and then one day another family comes along and you start to become a part of that family too. It is amazing how you can feel connected to people that you just met not too long ago and feel completely supported by them too. It's a great feeling.

Money: It doesn't grow on trees and right now jobs are hard to come by, so I am thankful for the part time job that I do have. I'm trying to be frugal and save this summer so that job or no job, I'll be able to move out by the end of summer (I will be subbing at the very least once school starts back up). I have been doing a lot of garage sale shopping to try to find things that I would need when I move out for a great price. You have to be patient and you have to dig, but I think that it will be the key to my success.

Growing up: I'm not entirely sure what makes you grow up, or what it even means to be grown up but I do think that you can feel it happening to a degree. Your priorities in life change and you start to look at things differently. As I search for jobs and try to get things in order to move out I am beginning to really understand what it's all about.

Relationships: I've seen my friends date many people and now I'm starting to see them marry people, but there is something about a great relationship that you can just tell it is right for them. They have a happiness that could never be matched. They are supported, loved, cared for, and he would never do anything to hurt her. It seems like a simple concept, but it really is hard to see until you can actually feel it for yourself. There is a happiness that I believe you can only find once in a lifetime.

As the days push forward I begin to see doors closing. I once had so much hope and confidence and I feel like it's starting to shrink. I have this picture in my head of how things would ideally work out and I'm trying so hard to come up with every alternative plan possible in order to reach that perfect picture. The picture is starting to seem completely unreasonable. Should I paint a new perfect picture? I want to keep pushing on but I'm running out of options, I'm running out of places to push. I'm not okay with just waiting to see what comes up, I need to be active in making things happen. I think that's why I had so much hope and confidence before because I was busy working on things, but now I search online and I try to come up with new ideas and I'm out. I'm not sure what else there is that I can do, but I have to find something. Also do me a favor and hold all of the "It'll be Ok's".

Things that Get me Worked up (at the moment)...

• Jobs: No I haven't found a real job yet. Yes, I've applied my heart out and yes, I have an area in mind that I would like to go. With that in mind QUIT asking if I'm trying hard or if I have applied to certain places. Furthermore don't recommend places for me to apply to if you don't know that they are hiring, or if you aren't interested in hearing where I would like to be.
  
• Teaching: Getting a teaching job is nothing like getting any other job. I understand that many people don't really get what it takes to be a teacher and what it takes to get a job in the field and that's ok, but don't act like you know more than me if you don't. It pisses me off.
  
• Privacy: I'm a fairly open person and I don't mind letting you know what is going on with me, but I can only handle so many questions before it feels like an interrogation, and there is a point where the questions become a little too detailed. Would you like to know how many times I pee in a day too? I also have a problem with people going through my things. My boxes, my folders, and my mail. Do I not have any right to privacy in life any more?
• Moving out: I want to move out. There are many decisions that need to be made in order to do so, and it's been on my mind a lot lately. I don't have the answers I need and I'm growing impatient waiting while I save some money. Not being able to find a full time job adds to the stress a little bit.

Random Thoughts with a Smidge of Explanation

• Work: I'm sick of having to do other people's jobs as they stand around and chat. And on top of doing their job while they chat I get absolutely no recognition that I've worked 2 jobs today. The same goes for people texting. I want to drown your phone in a jug of juice.
• Jobs: Yes I know I have a job, but I want a full time job. One that will do more than feed me and put gas in my car. I need to be able to pay off loans and bills in the near future too. I also didn't get a degree to work in a kitchen. I want to use it, but it's seeming more and more impossible as the days go on. The rejection letter today didn't help that case either.
• Gym: I want to join again, but without knowing if I will get a job elsewhere how do I know which town I should join in? You can't use any facility. And I'm a bit hesitant to go back to Napoleon, I've definitely gained it all back plus some, I don't want it to be pointed out to me over and over again.
• Moving out: How do you decide when you should move out or where you should move to? What if I end up living alone, I'm terrified to be alone at night. How will that work out?
• Power outages: They killed my Wii! I'm incredibly angry for a variety of reasons actually.
• My phone: I rarely get phone calls and I don't text, but I forgot it at Stevens and it's killing me to not have it. I almost want to drive the hour tonight just to get it.

Change

If you would have asked me last fall what my plans were for after graduation they would have looked nothing like they do now. My plan was to move west as soon as possible. I had been looking at schools to teach in and apartments to rent. I was going to make the move and be successful doing so. I had already decided that it was absolutely worth it even though it meant leaving behind my entire family and all of my friends. Now fast forward to today. I am SO happy that I am not moving out there. I am content staying here in Northwest Ohio where I am surrounded by my family, friends, my loving boyfriend, and his family. I am once again working hard to find a job and a place to live and trying to get a plan in place, but I am so much more comfortable knowing that I will have shoulders to lean on and I will be in a rather familiar place. Sometimes change sucks and sometimes change seems like the worst thing possible. When my plan was crushed I thought my world was ending and I would never be able to put another plan together, but now I know that anything is possible and everything will work out in the end. And if I must say so myself my new plan is SO much better than my old plan thanks to one amazing boy who has made me a better person and made me believe in myself all over again.

The good man asks adivce from his friends; the wicked plunge ahead-- and fall. Proverbs 12:26

Random Thoughts...

• For the first month that you are out of school someone should pay you to try to find a job. It is practically a full time job in itself and on top of that it breaks your bank.
• Having a degree could possibly improve your posture...I'm still investigating.
• Exercise must start ASAP. I have goals to meet.
• Planning a wedding shower...Buy invitations or make cool ones??? I'm thinking it depends on how big the guest list is (which I don't have) and how many helpers I can round up.
• My room could use some attention. I kinda like the thrill of trying to walk through the mess to get to my bed though...
• If a watched pot never boils is it also true that a watched phone never rings?

That's All Folks....

Just earlier today I was walking across the stage to receive the most expensive piece of paper I will ever hold in my life time; my diploma. It's been a wild ride and I have had a hard time being alright with letting go, but after listening to a few speeches today I for some reason feel more content. It could still hit like a ton of bricks very soon, but for the moment I have hope. I was reminded that 4 years ago I was walking blindly into life too, not knowing what was coming and not having anyone to go through it with. Yes, it was more secure then. I had a home, I had my schedule and food, but still I was alone and had to build from the ground up. I was reminded that you don't have to be able to do everything on your own. You have to trust in others to provide for you and you have to trust that things will fall in place. We have been given the tools to go out and do something with our lives and although we might not land on the perfect path right away, it will be a path that will one day lead us to that perfect place. As a chapter of my life closes another one begins and I intend to make it the best damn chapter yet!

I am blessed to have had the support of so many wonderful people today and I will never be able to express how much it really meant to me, so to all of you; THANK YOU!