Random Thoughts...No Explanations

• I'm excited for the Christmas season to kick into high gear! So many places to be with so many people who love us.
  
• I adore the support from people in our church who have known us for such little time, but feel like family all the same.
• I WANT to work, I don't NEED to work, I want to work. I'm sick of staying home.
  
• I look forward to seeing my Colorado friends :)
• It is crazy the difference a year can make. I love it!
• Last minute Christmas shopping is the most hectic thing I have ever seen...ok well lately at least!
• I have the most amazing fiancee. I find it hard to believe he still puts up with me :)
• The word family means more to me now than it ever has. I can't even begin to explain it.
  

Cheers and Jeers

Cheer: Wedding plans are coming together and I'm not really feeling the stress yet!

Cheer: Reading a good book. I'm a sucker for a good love story and "True Believer" was just that.

Cheer: I was just hired by a child care center as a substitute, but it seems to hold a lot of potential.

Cheer: Our dryer is working again!! We didn't have to pay a dime to have it fixed , it just started working again!

Jeer: Cold weather. I know it's only the beginning, but I hate this season!

Cheer: Christmas is coming quickly and I anticipate a wonderful holiday season this year!

Cheers and Jeers

Cheer: I bought a wedding dress! It is absolutely amazing.

Cheer: Steven and I were given a king size bed for FREE! It is such a nice bed.

Cheer: For spending Thanksgiving with all of Steven's families. It felt absolutely perfect and I loved every minute of it.

Cheer: For interviews at a very ritzy child care center. It's nothing permanent yet, but I have a feeling it could lead there.

Jeer: Finding out that Steven's Pappaw has Prostate Cancer. It is unreal how much this man means to me even though I've only known him for a year.

Jeer: Still not subbing at all. My one day that I was SO excited for, got canceled for fog!

Cheer: Steven's schooling is winding down for the semester and we have gotten to spend many days together. It has definitely helped the time pass.

A beautiful day & updates on life.

As reported before Steven and I have been regularly attending a church here in Delta. Today during our Thanksgiving service we were both baptized. It was an amazing day. It started early with making mashed potatoes at 8am (without a mixer!) followed by Sunday School and then service. Our church is small. It probably only seats about 100 people and it was filled. Normally we only have about 40 people, but not today. Today we filled the pews and God filled hearts. The sermon was absolutely amazing and touching. It was great to have family and friends there with us and to meet even more people. During the invitation Steven's brother was saved and it was the most amazing thing to witness. It took everything I had not to break down in tears. Following that Steven and I along with another couple were baptized. I can't lie, last night I was ridiculously nervous. I even made Steven practice falling backwards so that I could sleep. Today though it was easy and my nerves were washed away. We enjoyed a great Thanksgiving lunch afterwards with great company and then a time for testimony and singing. A beautiful day indeed.

In other news:
* July 24,2010. We have officially set the date! The day I get to be Mrs. Varble!
*Tuesday is my first day of subbing, FINALLY! I've been waiting, lets hope it goes well!

Planning

Wedding Planning. I didn't think it would be easy, but I didn't think it would be overly stressful either. I'm fairly easy going about things and don't have this grand idea of what I want. It's proving to be quite stressful though. We are moving the date up to late July of 2010. After a couple of talks with our pastor and talking with each other we think that it's going to be the best idea. Doing so has put me into searching for deals hard core. Our money is tight and we need to do things cheap. Having said that if anyone knows ANYONE who will do ANYTHING for a wedding and do a really good job for not a lot of money, let me know. I'm looking forward to it all and I'll keep posting as time passes, but right now I'm just excited and ready for it...already. :)

Wedding Bells are Ringing!

Last night. November 8,2009 was by far the best day of my life to date. The day itself was beautiful. Every time I stepped out of the house the sky looked like a masterpiece and the weather was perfect. The morning started off a little rocky, but after church and a decent sermon I felt completely refreshed and ready to go. I had no patience as I waited for 3 hours to pass in order to be able to leave to go see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Once we were on the road I was completely pumped. We first stopped by Olive Garden for dinner. It was of course delicious. Then we were off to see the concert. I could not even hold in my excitement. I had never been to a concert let alone one of this magnitude. As we sat there waiting for the show to start my anticipation kept growing. I then joked to Steven "you should have asked me to marry you tonight because I think this is the best date of my life". We laughed about it and then the show started. It was absolutely amazing. It nearly moved me to tears a couple of times. The performers are just that spectacular and the lighting adds so much to the show. After the show was over I was on cloud nine already and had written it off as the best night of my life thus far. When we got out of the building and on the sidewalk and as i was trying to keep up with the crowd of people in order to get across the street quickly, Steven was holding me back. Slowing his steps and keeping us on the corner of the sidewalk. He said "Did you have a good night?" I said yes and he said "Do you know what would make it better?" and I said what? and he said" if you would marry me" and got down on one knee with my ring right there in that crowd of people. He says that there were people gasping and watching but the world around me had stopped and I could only see him. I'm not sure I took a breath. I said yes and hugged him and was completely in shock. It was a better night than I could have even dreamed of and I am SO happy for our future together!

Cheers and Jeers

Cheer: Steven and I setting a date...for baptism that is. November 22nd. This is your open invitation to join us in celebrating a wonderful day. If it helps at all it is also a potluck day! Free food!
Cheer: Not feeling stressed even though I have no idea what is happening in life right now.
Jeer: Not knowing what is happening in life. I hate paperwork and red tape. Just work out already!
Jeer: Housework. Ugh. I'm home all day and it just stares me in the face. I hate it. Still considering hiring that teenager...
Cheer: Next Sunday Steven and I are going to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra! I'm very excited! Happy early Christmas to us!
Cheer: Surprises. On Saturday Steven took me to Toledo and I had no idea where we were going. It was for our anniversary. We ended up at Outback Steak house. I've never had many surprises like that it was very exciting!
Cheer: Happiness. I can honestly say that I've never been this happy in life up to this point. I am truly blessed.
Jeer: Ridiculous names in the Bible. Steven and I have been trying to read the Bible together. We are in Genesis and it is going through the genealogy of everyone. The names are ridiculous. It's so hard to spit them out, but I give it my best shot.

Random Thoughts...

• Work: I don't have a job, OK I lied, I do have a job. I have the Lutheran Home but I don't want it! I want to quit SO bad.
  
• Money: Of course related to the above topic. I don't have a job, but yet I feel fairly certain that the ends are going to meet. I hold onto the Lutheran home just in case for some reason they can't meet. I'm waiting to hear from the unemployment office, if I get unemployment goodbye Lutheran home :)
• Church: Like I said before Steven and I have been going to church. We have both been saved at this church and we are going to begin to do a small weekly bible study with our pastor. He brought up wanting us in Sunday school the other day though...neither of us are too sure about that step yet.
• Love: It amazes me everyday how more in love you can be with a person.
  
• Housework: Does it ever end?? By the time you get the house clean the dishes and the laundry done it's time to start back at square one again. It might be worth it to pay some deserving teenager to come over and do it...
• Friends: It's nice to have your own place where friends can come over and you can sit and chat and spend time together without having to worry about someone spying from the room over. It's also nice to be able to chat with friends at all. I feel like I never get to see anyone anymore. CALL ME :)

The end is here.

Last Friday marked the close of the Wauseon Center, for kids anyway. I sent all my children on their way. They have made life hell for the last few months I've wanted to strangle them all at some time or another and by Wednesday most weeks I thought I'd never survive another day, but when I put them on the bus on Friday I had to fight back the tears. These children were like my own. I spent all day with them. I knew all of their little quirks, what kind of food they liked to eat and how they liked to be put to sleep. It was heartbreaking to see them go and know that you may never see them again because they are migrant children and may never return. Yesterday we packed up all of our belongings (we only rent rooms from the church) and I walked into my room completely empty. Again it was sad thinking about all of the memories in that room. As many times as I yelled and had to count to 10 and as many spilled glasses of milk and noses blown I still smiled and laughed with the kids so much more. We were like our own small family and now it's all packed up in boxes in some musty old storage unit. I don't know what day I'm officially done working it could be any day and to be real honest that worries me a little bit. Only because I like to be able to see the plan I like to know what's coming before it comes. I have a strengthened and much closer relationship with God now and I know that he isn't going to let me down. Some how the ends will all meet and everything will be OK. Working at TMC was one wild adventure full of stress, complaints, and hard work, but in the end the people I worked with were like family and I learned more than I could have ever imagined from a group of 1 year- olds.

Another month is coming to a close and things are of course changing. Nothing ever seems to stay the same anymore. Life is hectic. Lets do a top ten list of things you may or may not have known happened in the past few weeks or will happen soon.

1. Steven and I have been going to church. It's a small little baptist church, but the people are ridiculously nice and the preacher gives an amazing sermon. He keeps your attention and preaches to your heart.

2. Bluffton has screwed me over once again. I still don't have my teaching license and I called the state to find out that it was sent to Bluffton University and they were supposed to send it on to me....WHERE IS IT??

3. I'm in the final weeks of my job. Our long hours are over and we aren't working Saturdays anymore. Thank God.

4. Reading the above one would think that means that work is getting easier. It's not. Just when Erika (my aide) and I were relieved that the end was near they gave us TWO new kids. Six one- year-olds. One that can't walk and cries ALL day. BLAH. It sucks.

5. It's getting cold which means that we have to shut the windows which means that our digital bunny ears are working even less. We now only get FOX and PBS.

6. Subway Scrabble is ending soon. We need the letter B badly. If you get it and don't want it give it to us PLEASE!! We'll take you for a ride in our new hybrid :)

7. My mom brought us a pumpkin to carve. It's huge. I can't wait!

8. I keep meaning to get pictures of our house put up somewhere but it keeps not happening. Hopefully soon I can get it done!

9. I might actually qualify for unemployment after all...It would be nice if I did to help out for just a little bit at least.

10. We spent Saturday night in the ER getting Steven's foot taken care of. Nothing too serious, but he's in pain and leaking so I've been trying to nurse him back to health this week.

Cheers and Jeers

It's been a while since I did a Cheers and Jeers so I thought I would give it a whirl.

Cheer: I only have 2 more Saturdays and then I can go back to normal 40 hour weeks. I'm not sure I'll know what to do with those extra 20 hours each week.

Jeer: Working alone quite a bit lately. Long days, Bad kids, and no support.

Cheer: I feel good that I got Bethany a job, now if only I could do the same for myself.

Cheer: Figuring out my license issue. Now I just need to get it.

Jeer: Missing spending time with my friends and having no time to fit it in.

Jeer: Figuring out what comes next. I need a new job for after TMC.

Cheer: Going to church and strengthening my faith. It's just what I need in a time like this.

Random Topics.

You never realize how much you use certain things until you move out for the first time and you are frantically running around the house trying to shut lights off or you are trying to shower quicker or you are stretching your groceries. It's all a science and until you find your own routine and figure out how to budget what you have it can seem like a lot to take in, but I think that Steven and I are doing great with it. We both know where we stand financially and we are both working towards the same goals. It's great.

We have started going to church together and we found one here in Delta that we like. It's a baptist church and the preacher is really nice and he has great sermons on Sunday. Going together makes me feel like we are growing stronger together because we are working on bettering ourselves together. This is something that stands out to me about our relationship, we are growing together we are supportive of each other and we want to better our lives, but at the same time we are meshing into one. We have such a solid relationship and it absolutely amazes me how much it grows each and every day.

Catching Up...

It has been a while since I've been here to update my status of life. I really haven't talked to much of anyone either, so I suppose I could fill in a couple of gaps.

1. I moved. I moved out of my parents house into a 2 bedroom duplex in Delta, Ohio. Steven is living with me and we love it here. Now I didn't just move out so that I could live with my boyfriend and all of that hoop-la. Yes, I did want to be with him and yes I am very happy here with him, but it also had to do with many confrontations with my mom and a ridiculous amount of driving.
   
2. I'm still working. I barely have time to breathe. 10 hour days 6 days a week and today, Sunday, my ONLY day off I have to go work at the Lutheran Home. This job is very demanding. The management is not that great at all they are very unorganized and unrealistic, and my kids are down right terrors some days, but always seem to redeem themselves with some cute act. By the end of theweek I am physically and mentally drained. Every part of me aches from lifting the boogers and crawling around on the floor all day, but the pay check in the end is very nice! I also got a raise! 50 cents, I was happy with it and they back payed us for it! I've never heard of anyone doing that.
   
3. Lori's wedding is over. It all went rather well and now the 400 ridiculous emails a day can come to an end. Thank god.
   
4. Since moving. We have been living life with no TV or real Internet. At the moment we are stealing wireless from someone and although it works great it does cut in and out. It has given us a lot of time to remember old forms of entertainment. Books, board games, cooking, hide and go seek, etc. The hide and go seek was a personal favorite of mine. Being an only child I rarely got to play. How did this work you ask? Turn the lights off, and blind fold the seeker. It makes for a damn good time.

At any rate, there isn't much more to update on since I pretty much work, eat, and sleep. I'll try to get a couple pictures of the house posted soon and I'll hopefully be keeping in better contact with everyone. Come visit us!!

Stress vs. Relaxation

I have a job working at a migrant head start. I'm learning a lot by being there and I'm making great money doing it, but it is ridiculously stressful. I have 5 toddlers who I can barely communicate with because they are used to speaking Spanish at home. On top of that I can't really discipline them. I'm not allowed to put them in time out or anything of that nature. All I can do is say no no no over and over and over again and "redirect them". It doesn't work. They need discipline and there are a couple that are trying everything in their power to push me over the edge. I rarely loose my cool with kids, but there are times when I have to stop and take a couple deep breaths or find a reason to walk away because these kids just are rotten. Next week we are starting extended hours. Working 7-5 and probably Saturdays too. It's going to be a very long eight weeks. I'm not looking forward to it at all.

On the other hand. Last weekend Steven and I went to Lake Erie for the weekend. We found a really good deal on a decent hotel and spent a couple days in Michigan. It was SO wonderful to get away for a weekend and enjoy each others company for a couple of days without anyone else butting in or having to share our time. We spent our time walking the pier, the beach, swimming, playing dominoes and phase 10 and just watching TV. It was absolutely relaxing. We got up one morning and watched the sun rise over the lake. I was really excited about it the night before, angry when the alarm went off and I had to get out of bed, and so happy I did it when it was over. It was so beautiful out there and so peaceful (minus those pesky bugs). I left the weekend feeling happier than ever and absolutely thrilled to be spending the rest of my life with this man. It was just what the doctor ordered.

Now combine the 2. Good money and a great time with Steven and I get the urge even more so to move out. I've done the math and with all of the over time I'll be working here in the near future I'm pretty sure I can manage moving out. My mom doesn't think I can, but I'm pretty sure she's just having issues letting go because all the numbers line up. Either way I'm still very interested in moving out and I am going to keep pushing forward to find my own place. Living at home is not for me. (the few days that I do actually live here...)

The last couple of weeks have been kind of ridiculous. I was always running and always needing to be somewhere and it was tiring. I was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to just sit. I was adjusting to working a 40 hour week and then still having to work another job on top of that one. It was too much. Today I finally had a day off. The WHOLE day off. Yesterday I had a day off too, but I spent about 4 hours of it driving. Not so enjoyable. It has been greatly rewarding and refreshing to be able to spend an entire day doing absolutely anything I wanted and not having to worry about being anywhere. I also got to spend it with the one person who means the most to me which is always great. I love days when we can just enjoy each others company and relax together. I know we see each other a lot, but it isn't the same when I've been working all day and come home exhausted already, or when we have to be around a crowd of people, or when there are things we have to get done. It's nice to just have a whole day to ourselves, free to do anything that we please. I guess the moral of the story is that I am overly grateful for a day off and looking forward to another one soon.

In other news:

My kids have arrived. It's been crazy busy and they wear me out, but for the most part I have a really good group of kids.

I'm getting more and more impatient about moving out. Hopefully I can pull it all together soon and get it underway. November scares me.

Although I don't have the photo to prove it, I danced on a bar this weekend, and was completely sober.

Steven and I are doing this semi-diet. More like cut back and watch what you eat kinda deal. I'm sucking at it and he's doing wonderful. I have no control.

I finally have my dress for Lori's wedding. Now I just need a speech..YIKES.

Here's the scoop

I'm tired.
I worked over time today.
My kids are coming for the first time tomorrow.
I got my dress for the wedding.
I've gotten to spend a lot more time with my boy than i expected to and LOVE it.
I don't know if I'm actually ready for my kids.
I have to go to Greenville Friday to deal with too many moody people.
I hope a mini-vaca really does come about in a week or so.
I work, I eat, I spend time with Steven, and I sleep.
Sleep is what I need now :)

After officially ending week one of my new job I am happy to report that all is going well. I haven't met my kids yet, I still have a week before that happens, but I'm beginning to fit in and get used to their system I think. Having this job relieves me of quite a bit of stress, for now at least. I wish that it was longer and that I didn't have to worry about what I was going to do again in the fall/winter, but this gives me the faith that it will all work out, that there is a plan to unfold somewhere along the line. I want to start saving quite a bit and I want to move out soon. Hopefully that plan begins to unfold too.

On a completely different note. The 4th of July. I have an absolutely horrible streak of awful July 4th evenings the past few years. This year it was all completely redeemed. I had an absolutely wonderful time this year. I loved getting to spend the weekend with Steven and getting to watch fireworks together. It's something that I've always wanted to do. I also loved friday night when we watched fireworks and made smores with all of the kids (ok, most of the kids). Some days I feel like I am more comfortable and fit in better with their family than I do my own. I look forward many more gatherings :)

Random Thoughts...No Explanations

• Job Starting Tomorrow...quite nervous.
  
• How do you balance 2 jobs every day and keep your sanity?
• Moving out...when, where, how?
• Is my car finally dying? First AC then the tire. It's never had such bad luck.
  
• Work Drama. Can't we just do our jobs and get along?
• Subbing. How do you get on the list? How do you pick the schools? Will it be ok if I start late? Will they call since I wasn't available earlier on? Will it be enough to make ends meet?
• Wedding: Where is my dress? What should my speech say? How many things have I forgotten?
• I'm thankful for seeing friends and getting to have deep talks with friends.
  
• Annoying people being annoying. Get a grip.
  
• 70 degrees in July?!?!? Where is summer?
• Texting. I don't use it a ton and I still think that people are incredibly disrespectful when texting, but it is a nice option to have in some situations.
  

I've worried my heart out for months on end trying to figure out what was going to happen next. Meanwhile, I slaved away in the hot kitchen at the Lutheran Home for the 6th summer in a row trying to make do until something better came along. I have worked my butt off trying to find some kind of a job and have came up empty handed many many times. I've gotten several rejection letters/emails and had 2 interviews that led no where. I was feeling fairly defeated and had no idea where to turn next. I wished, I hoped, I prayed, I broke down, I gave up, and then I get a voicemail yesterday morning. TMC in Wauseon wanted me to come in for an interview tomorrow(Friday) at 11am. I went in feeling much more confident and relaxed than any of my other interviews and walked out with a job. It's only a seasonal job which means I only have a job until about October sometime, but it's a start. It gives me time to figure out what comes next. And in the mean time I get to make 15 dollars an hour, which should help things out a bit. I'm not "teaching" the age that I love. In fact I'm not sure I call it teaching at all. I will have 1 year olds. Although they are cute and I'll be teaching them life skills I don't expect to be teaching reading or writing anytime soon. All in all I'm pretty excited and looking forward to see what comes about in the next couple of months as God's plan unfolds for me. I'm being careful with things. I'm still holding on to my job at the Lutheran Home so that when all of my migrant children leave me I have somewhere to turn if all of the other roads are closed.

Have you ever read the article about how everything you need to know in life you learn in kindergarten? If not click here. After a few days of thinking about different people that I talk within my daily life or different people that I have to work with I started thinking about this article and how sometimes I feel like I taught my kindergartners a few lessons that these adults could handle hearing. A few that top my list include:

1. Manners: A simple Please and Thank You in your daily life really isn't all that difficult. Think about the number of people who do things for you even the smallest things. Have you thanked them lately? It could really turn a persons day around.
   
2. Teamwork: If you want someone to do something for you, do something for them in return. if they do something for you, return the favor in some way. People naturally will help people out, but if the favor is never returned they tend to quit wanting to help.
   
3. Clean up your own mess: If you use something put it where it belongs when you are finished. If you dirty something, clean it, or at least put it where it needs to be so it can get washed.
4. Attitude: Yelling really doesn't motivate a person. Ignoring them also doesn't motivate them. Talk to people, try to stay level headed and try to meet in the middle.
   
5. Accept Differences: No one is the same. We all come from different backgrounds and we all have a different idea of what is "right", but you have to talk through your differences and accept the other persons ideas.

There are so many more, but these top the list right now. I'm not saying that I'm great at all of them, but I try to keep them in mind.

A Tangled Mess

People always say that doors are opening up for you or will open up for you and that things will work out, but right now it feel like one tangled mess that is never going to straighten itself out. I'm trying to be patient and I'm trying to just let things fall into place how they are supposed to be, but lets face it, I'm not a patient person. I'm trying to enjoy my summer and make the most of what I have, but there is so much of me that worries about what is going to happen at the end of the summer and how I'm going to be able to do what I want to do that it sometimes interferes with relaxing. There is only one strand of the whole tangled mess that has freed itself and seems completely clear to me and that is my relationship with Steven. I am absolutely blessed to have him with me in life now and in the many years to come. He sits with me late at night while I freak out and somehow can always find what it takes to calm me down. I know that in the end everything always works out, but right now at this spot it feels absolutely impossible. There are so many things that are not coming together and I have no idea what else I can do to make it work. I hate sitting back and watching. I need to be involved, I need to feel like I'm doing absolutely everything I can to make something work, but right now I feel like I've exhausted all of my options and it has left me with nothing but a mess.

Friends

I've been thinking a lot lately about friendships, friendships that are good today, that have gone bad, that have completely fizzled out, and some that are just plain rocky. I'm not sure if there is any rhyme or reason to why they work out the way they do and I have yet to find any kind of commonly occurring theme. Each one is different. I've gained and I've lost many friends in my lifetime. Some have stuck around for years and some only months. I can probably count on one hand the number of friends that I actually think will stick with me until I'm old and grey, but that's ok with me. I've made it ok with me. I used to hate that I didn't have more friends and always wondered why, but as life progresses, I'm ok with it. I still wonder though the friendships that went bad, was it something that I did? Is there something that I could do? There are only a couple of people who I honestly open up my heart to and tell them how I feel and it's because I'm trying to protect myself. I don't want to let myself be vulnerable to pain, I want to "be tough", I'm beginning to think this is the part of me that might screw things up. When I have a rough patch with friends I'm not one to sit and talk it out. I usually just walk away and let things cool down and see if it picks back up. I rarely though am the one to initiate the come back which is probably part of my problem. I 98% of the time want my friendship to be restored and honestly care, but there is just this guarded part of me that can't be the one to give in and go back. The part of me that is too scared of the confrontation, too scared to hear the things I did that were wrong, too scared to just break down and lose it. So it's easier for me to just keep going on with life like it's really alright until so much time has passed that it actually becomes the norm and another friend is gone. I guess my point is that I'm so incredibly thankful for the friends that stick with me through everything no matter how difficult I can be and no matter how ridiculous things get.

Addictions and New Things

My phone finally arrived. After many phone calls back and forth to the Verizon man and many impatient days I have it in my possession and it is wonderful. I love it! It's an alias 2 if you have some time you should look it up. With my phone I also finally entered the world of texting. I have a great fear of going over my 500 texts I'm allowed each month, so I'm trying to only text Verizon and Alltel customers(because they're unlimited!) I don't even text very much, but now that I am able to, I feel like I should use it a bit more. It also gives me an excuse to use my cool sideways opening phone too!

Steven gave me this game to play. He plays it and wanted me to play with him. At first I absolutely did not understand it and I thought for sure I was going to hate it. Now though, I can't quit playing! It is seriously an issue. I believe it's worse than when I play Diner Dash. I think it might also have to do with it being the first game I've owned in full length for quite some time. Opposed to Yahoo's 1 hour trial versions.

Lately, I've noticed that I look into the past a lot and I start thinking about how things could have turned out. What life would look like today if I had made different choices along the way. I can happily say that I think I've done a pretty decent job thus far. I guess we'll see how the next few years go...

What's new...

I had an interview yesterday. Don't ask me how it went, I have no idea. I was so ridiculously nervous that I felt like I could have puked and I came out of it with an uneasy feeling, sort of like I messed it up terribly. Although at my last interview I had a really good feeling about it and never heard another word from them, so perhaps it was actually a good sign.

I'm growing increasingly interested shopping for a church. I've always wanted to have a church that I could call mine, but with bouncing back and forth between towns for school, home, and whatever else it didn't really seem to work out. Now, I'm still bouncing back and forth between towns quite frequently, but I feel like I would actually be able to commit now. The hard part is deciding where to start and getting the guts to actually do it.

Finding a job, being able to move out, and making all of the decisions that go along with that are still wearing heavy on my heart and mind, but I'm trying to enjoy each day between now and then because I'm sure it's going to get harder before it gets easier.

I suck at striking up random conversations; I always have, and lately it seems to be challenging me greatly. It seems like it is what I need to be able to do in order to make some friendships work because speaking from my heart about feelings and thoughts just gets me in trouble. But then I struggle with understanding why I have to change for friendship, is it truly friendship then?

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark. ~George Iles

Oddball topics

Family: You grow up with your family and you always have a sense of protection from them. The thought that when times get tough they will be there for you and when you are embarking on something big in life they will support you. At least that is how I have felt with mine, and then one day another family comes along and you start to become a part of that family too. It is amazing how you can feel connected to people that you just met not too long ago and feel completely supported by them too. It's a great feeling.

Money: It doesn't grow on trees and right now jobs are hard to come by, so I am thankful for the part time job that I do have. I'm trying to be frugal and save this summer so that job or no job, I'll be able to move out by the end of summer (I will be subbing at the very least once school starts back up). I have been doing a lot of garage sale shopping to try to find things that I would need when I move out for a great price. You have to be patient and you have to dig, but I think that it will be the key to my success.

Growing up: I'm not entirely sure what makes you grow up, or what it even means to be grown up but I do think that you can feel it happening to a degree. Your priorities in life change and you start to look at things differently. As I search for jobs and try to get things in order to move out I am beginning to really understand what it's all about.

Relationships: I've seen my friends date many people and now I'm starting to see them marry people, but there is something about a great relationship that you can just tell it is right for them. They have a happiness that could never be matched. They are supported, loved, cared for, and he would never do anything to hurt her. It seems like a simple concept, but it really is hard to see until you can actually feel it for yourself. There is a happiness that I believe you can only find once in a lifetime.

As the days push forward I begin to see doors closing. I once had so much hope and confidence and I feel like it's starting to shrink. I have this picture in my head of how things would ideally work out and I'm trying so hard to come up with every alternative plan possible in order to reach that perfect picture. The picture is starting to seem completely unreasonable. Should I paint a new perfect picture? I want to keep pushing on but I'm running out of options, I'm running out of places to push. I'm not okay with just waiting to see what comes up, I need to be active in making things happen. I think that's why I had so much hope and confidence before because I was busy working on things, but now I search online and I try to come up with new ideas and I'm out. I'm not sure what else there is that I can do, but I have to find something. Also do me a favor and hold all of the "It'll be Ok's".

Things that Get me Worked up (at the moment)...

• Jobs: No I haven't found a real job yet. Yes, I've applied my heart out and yes, I have an area in mind that I would like to go. With that in mind QUIT asking if I'm trying hard or if I have applied to certain places. Furthermore don't recommend places for me to apply to if you don't know that they are hiring, or if you aren't interested in hearing where I would like to be.
  
• Teaching: Getting a teaching job is nothing like getting any other job. I understand that many people don't really get what it takes to be a teacher and what it takes to get a job in the field and that's ok, but don't act like you know more than me if you don't. It pisses me off.
  
• Privacy: I'm a fairly open person and I don't mind letting you know what is going on with me, but I can only handle so many questions before it feels like an interrogation, and there is a point where the questions become a little too detailed. Would you like to know how many times I pee in a day too? I also have a problem with people going through my things. My boxes, my folders, and my mail. Do I not have any right to privacy in life any more?
• Moving out: I want to move out. There are many decisions that need to be made in order to do so, and it's been on my mind a lot lately. I don't have the answers I need and I'm growing impatient waiting while I save some money. Not being able to find a full time job adds to the stress a little bit.

Random Thoughts with a Smidge of Explanation

• Work: I'm sick of having to do other people's jobs as they stand around and chat. And on top of doing their job while they chat I get absolutely no recognition that I've worked 2 jobs today. The same goes for people texting. I want to drown your phone in a jug of juice.
• Jobs: Yes I know I have a job, but I want a full time job. One that will do more than feed me and put gas in my car. I need to be able to pay off loans and bills in the near future too. I also didn't get a degree to work in a kitchen. I want to use it, but it's seeming more and more impossible as the days go on. The rejection letter today didn't help that case either.
• Gym: I want to join again, but without knowing if I will get a job elsewhere how do I know which town I should join in? You can't use any facility. And I'm a bit hesitant to go back to Napoleon, I've definitely gained it all back plus some, I don't want it to be pointed out to me over and over again.
• Moving out: How do you decide when you should move out or where you should move to? What if I end up living alone, I'm terrified to be alone at night. How will that work out?
• Power outages: They killed my Wii! I'm incredibly angry for a variety of reasons actually.
• My phone: I rarely get phone calls and I don't text, but I forgot it at Stevens and it's killing me to not have it. I almost want to drive the hour tonight just to get it.

Change

If you would have asked me last fall what my plans were for after graduation they would have looked nothing like they do now. My plan was to move west as soon as possible. I had been looking at schools to teach in and apartments to rent. I was going to make the move and be successful doing so. I had already decided that it was absolutely worth it even though it meant leaving behind my entire family and all of my friends. Now fast forward to today. I am SO happy that I am not moving out there. I am content staying here in Northwest Ohio where I am surrounded by my family, friends, my loving boyfriend, and his family. I am once again working hard to find a job and a place to live and trying to get a plan in place, but I am so much more comfortable knowing that I will have shoulders to lean on and I will be in a rather familiar place. Sometimes change sucks and sometimes change seems like the worst thing possible. When my plan was crushed I thought my world was ending and I would never be able to put another plan together, but now I know that anything is possible and everything will work out in the end. And if I must say so myself my new plan is SO much better than my old plan thanks to one amazing boy who has made me a better person and made me believe in myself all over again.

The good man asks adivce from his friends; the wicked plunge ahead-- and fall. Proverbs 12:26

Random Thoughts...

• For the first month that you are out of school someone should pay you to try to find a job. It is practically a full time job in itself and on top of that it breaks your bank.
• Having a degree could possibly improve your posture...I'm still investigating.
• Exercise must start ASAP. I have goals to meet.
• Planning a wedding shower...Buy invitations or make cool ones??? I'm thinking it depends on how big the guest list is (which I don't have) and how many helpers I can round up.
• My room could use some attention. I kinda like the thrill of trying to walk through the mess to get to my bed though...
• If a watched pot never boils is it also true that a watched phone never rings?

That's All Folks....

Just earlier today I was walking across the stage to receive the most expensive piece of paper I will ever hold in my life time; my diploma. It's been a wild ride and I have had a hard time being alright with letting go, but after listening to a few speeches today I for some reason feel more content. It could still hit like a ton of bricks very soon, but for the moment I have hope. I was reminded that 4 years ago I was walking blindly into life too, not knowing what was coming and not having anyone to go through it with. Yes, it was more secure then. I had a home, I had my schedule and food, but still I was alone and had to build from the ground up. I was reminded that you don't have to be able to do everything on your own. You have to trust in others to provide for you and you have to trust that things will fall in place. We have been given the tools to go out and do something with our lives and although we might not land on the perfect path right away, it will be a path that will one day lead us to that perfect place. As a chapter of my life closes another one begins and I intend to make it the best damn chapter yet!

I am blessed to have had the support of so many wonderful people today and I will never be able to express how much it really meant to me, so to all of you; THANK YOU!

Sounds Like Life to Me...

I heard this song on the radio the other day and in a time when everything is crazy and uncertain it really spoke volumes to me.

How do you know when something is right?

I often ask myself this question. Am I making the right decisions? Lately this question has been at the top of the list. Mainly because I have many decisions that lie ahead of me, none of which I have an answer to at the moment. I know that I made the right decision by getting my degree in Early Childhood Education, and I believe that I made the right decision to not go to Grad School right away. Part of me believes (maybe just because i want it to be the truth) that I was lucky enough to student teach in Kindergarten (which Bluffton never lets happen) because I am going to need that experience later on in life. I want more than anything for that later to be this coming fall, but who really knows.
I know that I have made the right decision when it comes to finding "the one" It is a feeling that truly cannot be replaced. There are no questions, you aren't wondering if it really is meant to be, you just know. Your life is better because of them and you can't imagine a day without them. They don't bring you stress, worry, or anger. I feel blessed to have found this so early in life. I am only 21, I have plenty of life ahead of me and I am more than thankful to be with such an amazing person already in life.
Then comes the unknown. How do you know where to work? Obviously at this point in the game if someone hands me a teaching job I'm going to take it. But what if I have to choose? What if I don't get a teaching job, where do i choose to sub and where do I choose to get a part time on the side job? Where do I live? Who do I live with? How do I explain my choices to everyone if they don't agree? I want so badly for it to all work out and I know everyone keeps saying don't worry it will, but will it really? No one can be sure. I hate the unknown, I hate waiting, I hate making decisions, and I hate explaining myself to people. For those reasons alone all of this scares the crap out of me.

Random Thoughts with a Smidge of Explanation

• Discovery: Everyone says that you really figure out who you are when you enter college, but I think you do more thinking about who you are when you are leaving college.
  
• Homework: I only have a week. What am I waiting for?
• Jobs: I'm trying to be patient and to let the plans unfold, but it's killing me.
  
• Friends: I'm trying my best to fit them all in and make them all happy. Who knows if it's working or not.
  
• Curves: I do believe I'll be joining back up here in a couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to it and so are my jeans ;)
• Packing and Unpacking: I HATE IT. It has begun and I'm looking forward to it being done.
  

The end is near

In less than 2 weeks I will have a Bachelor's degree in hand. I will have completed my college education, and what do I intend to do with it? Who even knows. I mean the ultimate goal is to teach and have a job and a home and things of that nature, but it isn't looking so promising out there right now. I'd like to take this time now though, not to dwell on the unknown, but to look at the past. What would I have done differently in my four years at Bluffton?

• Taken it more seriously from the beginning. In the first couple of years you are going to classes thinking do the homework, pass the test enough to not fail, move on. I probably should have actually retained some of that stuff and I probably should have tried to keep my GPA higher.
  
• Joined more clubs. Not only do they look good on your resume, but they let you meet more people, have more experiences, and they kill the boredom.
  
• Expand my circle of friends. I have a few close friends from school, but not nearly as many as I would have liked to come away with. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for the ones that I have. I just wish I would have taken the time to get to know more people on a more personal level.
  
• Went on a few more random trips. College is the perfect time to do this. You have the time and everyone you go with is just as broke as you. So they don't mind sleeping in the cheapest motel you can find. My trips included Amish country and Indy and that's about it. Pathetic.
• Went on a cross-cultural trip. It was a golden opportunity that I passed up for all the wrong reasons. Yes, it was a good choice as far as my TESOL is concerned, but I wish I had the experience.
• Took better care of my body. You know, eating better, working out more. I was much smaller when I entered college than I am now as I'm about to leave.
  

A Dedication...

There are people that come in and out of your life all of the time. I have plenty of people that I call my friends and I have plenty of people that I've been friends with in the past and am no longer friends with now. I've lost touch with a lot of people and life has taken my on a different path than a lot of my older friends. Right now though, I'd like to take the chance to recognize the people that mean the most to me as of today.


Lori: We have been through it all together. She's been my best friend since about 6th grade when I said "Hi, I think you know my mom..." We've grown up together. Experienced life, death, heartbreak, and many bad decisions together. Our famous line of "I think I made a mistake". We don't live near each other and we only see each other a couple of times a year, but when we talk on the phone or when we are together it's like we haven't missed a heartbeat. She can cheer me up in any situation and I know that I can always turn to her for a laugh and an honest opinion.


Steven: He's more than just a friend clearly. We started off as friends to help each other through tough times and it has grown into so much more. He has shown me what love is. How a relationship is supposed to be and for that I am forever grateful. I could never ask for anyone better and I cannot wait to see what is in store for our lives together. He gives me the strength and courage to get through each day and face each hurdle. There aren't words to describe how wonderful it feels to be spending my life with him.

Stine/Christine/Chrine..whoever she is to you: The first weekend we were supposed to hang out I ditched her and somehow it has all taken off from there. We have had our fair share of ups and downs, but in the end she is always one of my best friends. She always takes the time to sit and talk with me. To let me vent, state my fears, or freak out about things. She always helps me try to find an answer or a solution and makes sure that we don't quit talking until I'm calmed down or happy. For that I am grateful. We all need someone like that in our life. We've faced some hard situations in life together and fought through them. As I get ready to graduate I realize how much our friendship has meant to me throughout the years. It is wonderful.


Eleesa: Again a friend that I've been through quite a bit with and rarely get to see. I absolutely adore the time that we get to spend together, she is such a good person. She is so innocent and sincere that she just ends up making you feel like a better person. I always feel refreshed after spending time with her. She is embarking onto a path which I hope I can follow in soon. She has a full time job, getting married and starting her real adult life. I admire her for more than she will ever know.



Bethany: I know, it's not a picture of us, but it is a picture of one of our best works of art to date. I don't have any pictures of us together that either of us would count as acceptable to post in a blog. We've lived together for 3 years and we've had our fair share of laughs. It is rarely a dull moment in our room and I don't think either of us would have survived amongst all of these crazy Mennonites without the comedic situations that occur in our room. We have broken enough rules around here that it's a wonder we're still here, but in 3 weeks we will have successfully gotten away with all of it! :)

There are many other people in my life that I am close to and for them I am also thankful. I'm sure there are plenty of amazing memories and experiences to enjoy in the coming months or even years.

Random Thoughts with a Smidge of Explanation

• Money: I'm finally starting to get back on my feet a little bit and I'm not having to literally spend pennies, but looking ahead, I don't think I'm very well off. The idea of no job and a lot of loans is quite terrifying. I know that people can do it, but I want to do it the right way; without credit cards and other loans. I want to move out and be able to take care of myself.
  
• Grammar: I know I'm in a grammar class at the moment, but I don't think that it has given me any leg up on anyone else when it comes to using proper grammar. All I have learned in that class is how to diagram a sentence. It bothers me when I read things that other people have written and it is an absolute mess. I'm not even talking about spelling, but punctuation and word choice are incredibly important.
• Friends: I am thankful for the friends that I have and I am happy when I get to see them. That being said I haven't seen any of my Napoleon friends since Christmas, if not before. I miss them. They each hold a special place in my heart and they each are important to me. Life has just thrown us on incredibly different paths that don't meet often.
  
• Child Molesters: Why is it that only men are seen as a threat when it comes to molesting a child? Not that I think it's ok no matter who does it, but after a discussion with a good friend today I have to sit and wonder why no one gets suspicious of women.
• Phones: My phone is holding on for dear life until June when it can finally be laid to rest and replaced by a new, less worn-out phone. What kind should I get and what do I really need it to be able to do? There are so many options anymore, but with the money situation that I see myself getting into here shortly, I think basic might be the best choice.
• Wedding Gifts: As I watch friend after friend go down the aisle I also have read my fair share of wedding registries. The long list of crap that they want everyone else to buy for their new home. Now here is my question. I am not getting married anytime soon and so I'll be out on my own for a bit before I get to make one of these lists. What do you put on it? I will already have most of what I need. I'm sure there may be a few things, but not too much. Here is my idea. Skip the presents and everyone chips in for a freaking sweet honeymoon! Then I get the vacation of a lifetime and skip dealing with the 4 toasters and 9 crock pots :)

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage". -- Lao Tzu