I found this online and I agree with absolutely every one of them, but I bolded the ones that I loved the most.

Happiness is: 1. Falling in love. 2. Laughing so hard your face hurts. 3. A hot shower. 4. No lines at the supermarket. 5. A special glance. 6. Getting mail. 7. Taking a drive on a pretty road. 8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio. 9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. 10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer. 11. Chocolate milkshake ... (or vanilla ... or strawberry!) 12. A bubble bath. 13. Giggling. 14. A good conversation. 15. The beach16. Finding a 20-pound note in your coat from last winter. 17. Laughing at yourself.18. Eye contact with a hot member of the opposite sex.19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours. 20. Running through sprinklers. 21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. 22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful/good looking. 23. Laughing at an inside joke. 24. Friends. 25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. 26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. 27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner). 28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. 29. Playing with a new puppy. 30. Having someone play with your hair. 31. Sweet dreams. 32. Hot chocolate. 33. Road trips with friends. 34. Swinging on swings. 35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger. 36. Making chocolate chip cookies (and eating them...!). 37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies. 38. Holding hands with someone you care about. 39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change. 40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you. 41. Watching the sunrise. 42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day. 43. Knowing that somebody misses you. 44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply. 45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Cheers and Jeers

Cheer: Christmas, and getting to see family even if it was short lived.
Cheer: Getting to work at Alpine instead of the main kitchen, so stress free :)
Cheer: Spending time with fantastic people.
Jeer: Having to work that extra hour and a half for NO reason. I could be sleeping.
Jeer: New Years. blah. I still don't like to think about it.
Jeer: Only having a week of break left.


Only having a week of break left is actually probably the worst one of the three. Not only because I have to go back to school and work and the craziness of that life, but because I have to leave here. The night before going back has always been one of the hardest nights for me and I always thought it was because I was "leaving" Chuck. That obviously must not be the case though because I feel the sadness coming already. It's just the idea of finally getting used to something and then having to throw that all away and start all over again.

Just a warning. I'm on emotional overload tonight. This could get ugly.

Odd things keep happening in life, that I can't really explain. Thoughts and urges have come over me in the last week that have NEVER happened before. Last night I felt someones pain. They were upset and I cried FOR them. I have never cried for someone. I'm always the person that can keep it pulled together and doesn't break down. I couldn't. What does that mean? It has to mean something. There are feelings being fought that I've never even had to worry about before.

The holidays always make me feel lonely. I dread them. Even when I was dating someone we didn't spend holidays together (and i thought that was ok because why?). I dream of being with someone and getting to spend time with BOTH of our families. To be surrounded by SO many people that care about you and to enjoy all of their company. Hectic as it can get I'm sure, I live for the day I can do that.

New Years Eve. It is like the one day when you "have to have plans". It's like an unwritten rule. Which was fine when I had a big group of friends in high school that always got together, but now I don't. Out of that group of friends NONE of them are around. The one friend I spent it with last year isn't really talking to me anymore and I'm sure has some poor life decisions to make that night. Another night that just proves how alone you can really be in the world.

How do dreams work? Part of me believes that it is just your brain processing everything that you've done that day or thought about, but part of me thinks they are signs of something. Either way. I've had some vivid dreams last night and today.

Cheers and Jeers

Cheer: Getting to see your best friend after quite some time. AND for having a fabulous time with her.
Cheer: Spending time with people that make you laugh. A LOT.
Jeer: Being so out of shape that the Wii can make you overly sore.
Cheer: Great conversations with great people.
Jeer: Energy drinks and Mt. Dew not working when they're greatly needed.
Jeer: People that make situations overly awkward
Cheer: Hugs!
Jeer: Ice and the ruining of plans.

I have to say Congratulations to the new Mr. and Mrs. Smith as well. (not the movie) May life always bless two absolutely phenomenal people.

Never Give Up...

After looking at old pictures tonight and thinking about past experiences I thought of the many times in life where I have went to some ridiculous extreme to accomplish something. Looking back it's quite funny. So, I thought I should share.

1. One winter Lori and I bought an inter tube sled. We were going to use it the next day at our friends house, it was going to be a whole lot of fun. Except we had to blow it up. We didn't have an air compressor, so we sat in the basement ALL night and blew that sucker up with our own (4) lungs. Then we didn't even use it the next day. Pathetic.
2. Cleaning the fish tank with Bethany. We've always went about things in all of the wrong ways. Why would cleaning the fish tank be any exception? If my memory serves me right we used cups, bowls, and spoons to accomplish the task. End result: a half dead fish that was flushed before he expired...
3. Camping with Danielle and Kati a couple of summers ago we were going to make apple pudggie pies. My favorite thing in all of life. One night we decide to open the apples, no can opener. I successfully opened the apples with a screwdriver and a hammer after about 20 minutes. No fingers lost...luckily.
4. Moving out of College is always hard. It's even harder when everything big is already gone and you still have a night left to entertain yourself. It could result in a group of girls who wanted to watch a NASCAR race (some of us who were just there to be with friends, ahem..me.) with no TV. Amanda Stine and I all successfully watched the race on the computer while laying on a blanket on the floor. No cars. Just colored dots if I remember right...
5. In high school Lori always had a strange love for duct tape, so she always had some in her car. She also had a car with a glove box that rattled louder than anything you have ever heard. Every time I got in that car I would duct tape it shut. Years later, her dad just took the glove box out and put the door back on for "show". Apparently the duct tape was getting too expensive...

My Christmas Wish List

There are plenty of things that I could say I want...but would never ask for because they are far too pricey or i just don't need. I thought I would share anyway.

1. A Wii fit. Would I actually use it? Probably for a week. Then it would just be a hit and miss kind of thing. Not worth the money or the hassle of trying to find one.
2. A Blackberry Storm. I'm not very high tech but that thing is pretty flippin' sweet. Sadly though, I don't have Verizon, I'm in contract until June, and it's about 200 dollars.
3. A vacation for myself and a handful of my closest friends. I'm talking somewhere warm, with plenty of hot single people, and good drinks =)
4. A new ring. I'm so used to wearing my class ring that it feels odd not to have one. And when I'm nervous I like to spin it. I feel as though it's time to move on. I was going to make chuck buy that...guess not anymore.
5. A big TV. the 13in is getting old, quick. I will get a larger TV when I move out. somehow.
6. A bigger bed. I want to sprawl out lol. Clearly again this has to wait until I move out, this room can't handle that kind of an object.
7. A new boyfriend...but that isn't really buyable. I surely am ready to be stunned by someone magnificent though :)

That's about all I can muster up at the moment. Give it time, I'm sure I'll think of more =)

A while back (July 26th I believe ha ha) I posted this. It was something that I had made in one of my "postsecret" moments and I never knew it held the secret to my future. I said it all in this postcard. The reason my last relationship didn't work, and yet it took another four months to actually end. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I was holding onto a dream. Like the picture says I was hoping to hear the things I needed to hear to be happy and they never came. Why did I think that they would just all the sudden pop out of no where? Thinking about this I also start to wonder, at what point did I start t settle for this? I thought he was just being a typical man and that there aren't men who actually share those kinds of thoughts with people, but I was so wrong. I have these new friends. Both men and they tell me how they feel about things. We can discuss feelings. I dated him for 2.5 years and hid my feelings all the way along, until one day they would have built up so much that they would just explode like crazy. Why was this OK? Looking back I cannot believe the things that I dealt with. I cannot believe that I thought it was happily ever after. I guess that is what they meant when they said "You live and you learn".

Please keep all hands and feet inside the ride...

I only say that because this post is going to be all over the place.

• I now, more than ever, remember what I hate about coming home for breaks. Switching lives. I live two lives. Like it or not. Who I am in Bluffton and who I am in Napoleon are not the same people. I mean the core of me is, but the freedoms that I have and the way I go about life are completely different. It's hard to make the switch and still try to go on like nothing is happening at all.
• I need a hobby, a niche, something that I can do and enjoy on my own. I don't have one, and I'm not skilled at many things. What I'm good at are people. I'm good at getting them to talk and open up and I'm good at making them laugh, but when no one is around, what does that leave me? Not much.
• I've just came to the realization that I have to actually take classes again next semester and still try my best. I knew this was going to happen. I want to be done. I can teach, I've proven it, why can't I just TEACH. So aggravating.
• I want a spark of excitement in life. Something to look forward to. Someone asked me the other day what I was looking forward to in the near future. I couldn't come up with anything. How sad is that. The closest thing I could think of is Graduation in May(which is semi-debatable) and then Lori's wedding in August. I'm not patient, I need something to get me through the hump of winter...

I just realized that this summer I would post my Cheers and Jeers, but I haven't done it for quite some time. So without further ado, the Cheers and Jeers of the past semester:

CHEER: Successfully completely my student teaching. I was terrified going into it, but it went SO well!
JEER: Having to leave those kids. All 43 of them have touched my heart so much and helped me to learn so many things.
CHEER: For getting so much closer with old friends and getting to know new friends. Where would we be without friends really?
JEER: For losing the one person I thought I would always have.
CHEER: For losing the person who was making my life harder than it should have been.
CHEER: For good laughs and high hopes
JEER: For being terrified of what's to come after May.

How exactly is it that i can run on 4-5 hours of sleep for several nights in a row. My body keeps saying, Just take a nap, but the rest of me has better things to do. I haven't been this happy and carefree in quite some time. It feel so good. I'm only in good relationships now, not romantically, obviously, but still I'm only surrounded by people that make my life joyous and not stressful. I don't thank them enough for being the best friends around. They are honestly the people that have made these last few weeks as fantastic as they were. So, here's to all the wonderful people in my life =)

Procrastination

Why do I procrastinate? Who knows? It is getting really bad though, I am procrastinating, procrastinating. I feel like I'm on idle right now. Where has my night gone? Mainly to facebook, myspace, and my email (which is always empty). Aside from a few conversations on AIM (one of which was 2 hours and felt like 30 minutes) I really have accomplished NOTHING tonight. Why don't I just do it and get it over with? Probably because I don't really care about the things that I need to get done. I just have to do them to please other people, mainly paperwork for student teaching. I want to do something that is pleasing to me. Lately though the one thing that I want and the one thing that is completely occupying my mind is completely unattainable. Isn't that the truth about life, always wanting what you can't have, and never being happy when you do have it. Ridiculous.

What is the point of this blog? I don't really know...I guess just to put off writing one stupid lesson plan. Ridiculous.

At what point does a person realize that things aren’t going as well as once planned? Is it a somewhat subconscious thought? It there part of you that can start to mentally let go without even realizing it? These are just a few of the many questions that I have asked myself lately. It’s only been four days since my life “As I knew it” was turned upside down. I always thought that if I were to be put into this situation I would really struggle to cope, but I’m not. I’m not struggling. What I’m struggling with is the guilt that I don’t feel more hurt. How could someone who meant SO much to me leaves my life and it not even bother me for more than a day?
I think over the past few months I was slowly letting go. I sort of understood that it wasn’t what it used to be, but I was hanging onto the hope that it would magically become something more. I had a dream of what I wanted it to be like and I was running with that dream not with reality. Still though knowing all of this and understanding that I have been seeing this coming I still don’t understand how it’s all magically ok. Is it ok because I don’t have time to really think about it? Is it ok because I have faith that there is someone better for me out there? Is it because I feel like I’m strong enough to finally be me on my own? I think it’s a mix of all three. Everything happens for a reason and he most definitely made me a more confident person, a more driven person, and a more optimistic person. That is what I believe his role in my life was, to show me what I could really be. There wasn’t a need to be scared or to feel backed into a corner when put up against a new situation. I also feel like I know what I want in a person more than ever now and hopefully I can find someone to fit those needs very soon. But, when is it ok to really make that move again? How do you know that you are ready to move on and be with someone different?
And then the someone different…Is it completely weird to be with someone completely new? There aren’t inside jokes anymore. They don’t know what makes you tick and for so long you were used to the other person just knowing. I’m sure it is an exciting adventure all over again, but is it harder the second time around? I suppose it’s a good way to figure out if you have chose the right person this time because it should be liberating to be with them; a refreshing change. Obviously I wouldn’t want to rush into anything and I would probably move emotionally slower than I did in the past, but it can’t be harmful to just hang out with someone and get to know them early on, can it?

So many questions, So many decisions, So many emotions, and an hour to kill between conferences…

My Man Wish List...

During all of my reflecting about my past relationship and my future I've come to a rough list of qualities that I want the next person I date to have. This is not to say that my last relationship lacked all of these because it most certainly did not.

I want him to have dreams and aspirations. I want him to truly care how my day was. I want him to be able to share how he is feeling with me. I want him to be affectionate. I want to be showered with hugs, kisses and best wishes. I want him to want to be with me and to call. I want him to tell his friends about me and not be ashamed. I want him to compliment me at random times not just when I've obviously put effort into getting ready. I want to feel supported and trusted. I need him to get my humor and my sarcasm. I want to feel safe. I want to still be able to act like a kid sometimes.

Really I could probably keep going, but that's a good start right...

And then one day...

...Your world crumbles.

For two and a half years (pretty much all of my college career) I have been in a relationship that I thought was the ONE. Clearly, after tonight I am aware that it was really just an amazing dream that I have been rudely woken up from. Now what do I do? That's a good question. One that I don't really have an answer to because I've never had to do this before. One day at a time I guess.

"You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head, which means not at all..."

Sometimes all life needs is a radio.

I love when you are in the car alone, or at home alone and really get the chance to listen to the words of songs on the radio. I also love when you just happen to stumble across the song that fits your life so well. Here are a few of the songs that I enjoy at the moment:

• Julianne Hough - My Hallelujah Song
• Chris Daughtry - Used To
• Zac Brown Band - Chicken Fried
• Heidi Newfield - Johnny and June
• Carrie Underwood - Just A Dream
• Sugarland - All I Want To Do
• Steven Curtis Chapman-Cinderella

There are plenty more, but who wants to read them all...

Everyone comes to a fork in their life at time and they have to decide what path to take. Sometimes they make the decision after much thought, prayer, and deliberating, but sometimes the decision is made unconsciously. I think it is the unconscious decisions that really take us places in life. When you grow apart from friends it isn't always a decision that you lose sleep over, it just happens with time. Usually looking back on it all though growing apart from that friend was for the best. It's sad that you had to give up all of the good times that you shared, and a friendship that you could count on, but there was something about it holding you back from being who you need to be. Then at that very moment when you pinpoint the reason you didn't need them anymore there is a sense of accomplishment because you took a step toward being who you should be, and now you are one step closer.

Because somedays you forget to look up.

Top Five things to be thankful for right now:

1. Student Teaching: As stressful as it may be, i really do love it and come home happy at the end of every day.
2. Common Grounds: How did I survive the first 2 years without a job?
3. Good Friends: Even on a bad day they can make you laugh
4. Reminiscing about the past instead of worrying about the future.
5. New foods: It's exciting when you try something new and absolutely LOVE it! This week's new thing. Bagels with whipped cream cheese and honey.

Spinning

The past three days have brought along more emotions than anyone should have to deal with at one time. I've cried, I've laughed, I've been terrified, I've felt lost, I've felt alone, I've felt reassured, I've been thankful, I've been rejuvenated, and yet the cycle just starts all over again daily. The bothersome part is that there isn't much I can do about it, that the decisions that were once mine are now being handled by someone else and that someone else is being influenced negatively. (Or so I believe...who really knows).

I think there are many lessons that I have learned in life lately. I don't know exactly what has brought them all about and I'm not exactly sure how I have come to terms with it, but it really boggles my mind. Here are a few:

• Be Thankful for what you have: You might not be getting exactly what you want in life, but if what you have makes you happy then what is the problem. Typically it's only a problem when you compare it to someone elses life.
• Don't blow things out of proportion: For the most part everything is pretty easy to figure out. If someone tells you that something is needing to be changed, then listen to them. It probably needs to be changed it's not some huge underlying issue.
• Take care of yourself: No one else should have to do it for you. You shouldn't NEED to have someone else helping you out. You should always be the number one person in your life. Don't bend and strain to impress others.
• Spend time with people you love: They have a special power to be able to melt your stress away. They know you well enough to help you forget your troubles and they are almost always good for a laugh. Taking socialization out of your life will not help you get more accomplished, it'll only add to the stress.
• Sit back and listen: When you are with people who are being so negative and complaining about everything in life it is ok to not jump in and join. It's ok to just sit and listen and let them vent. Sometimes complaining just to add to feel included in a conversation makes the rest of your day a downer. While listening sit back and think about everything that you are thankful for.

5 things in my mind as of tonight.

I don't know how to impress my supervisor. I know that I shouldn't have to work toward this, but I feel like she's looking for that one special thing and I don't have it yet. It would probably help if i had complete control of the classroom too...

I don't know if I'm happy to not be working as much and to have some time to myself, or if I miss working a lot and wish that I had more to do. It's a sad mix of both.

I want to grade papers...everyone complains about it, but for some reason I have always found it fun and now I'm not even getting to do that.

I have this inner desire to be very organized and productive and motivated to do a lot of things and to get ahead in life for once, but by the time I get home I really have no energy left to do any of it.

I'm doing so much better with the distance issue than I thought I ever could. Where this ability has come from I have no idea. I'd like to know because it could make me better at other things too I think.

Who would have thought.

Thinking about the future always gets me in trouble, but this week I have come to a realization that the one part that I thought would be the easiest is definitely going to be the hardest. Twenty-One years and I'm just now figuring it out when the clock is really ticking. That makes me wish that things would have been different in the past, but I know that is not an option. It just means I have to make up for lost time in these next few months. I'm ready for a fresh start and to be home for once, but it's going to be harder when push really comes to shove, than I ever thought it would be.

What a great day

to take a walk and notice your surroundings. After dinner tonight I'm going to the nature preserve to take a nice autumn walk. I would also like to take a few nice pictures with all of the colors changing and the sun shining. Perhaps I'll post a few here if some good ones come out of it.

And this is when...

... I struggle the most:

• When I have had a long week/day and just want to come home to a hug and a shoulder to rest my head on.
• When I want to go somewhere or do something that I can't find anyone else to do with me.
• When I need things fixed and or help figuring something out.
• When I'm alone at night and want someone to laugh with.

Tonight it's hard. Hopefully it doesn't get much harder.

Somedays...

...I feel like I'm running and running and getting nowhere. I'm not real sure how to go about fixing this feeling, but I do know that I just have to wait it out, and I HATE waiting. I can't wait to be "home". Home for the first time in a loooong time. For the past few years I haven't had one home. I've had about three that I bounced back and forth between. Next year though I will have one. And I will be starting my own life without the bouncing. Nothing brings me more joy than thinking about the day in which I get to say. I'm home.

I'm Only One Person

This is something that I've really had to come to terms with in the past couple of weeks. Obviously, I never thought I was more than one person, but I have to pick and choose my battles. I have to take care of myself and do whatever it takes to keep my own head above the water. In the past I've weighed myself down by trying to keep myself, along with everyone else that I know floating. Right now I have 43 Kindergartners that need me and I have me to take care of on top of that. I don't have a lot of time to figure out other people's lives and I don't have a lot of energy to to put into situations that don't involve me. And I shouldn't have to. It kills me because it upsets the friends that I've had for years, but at some point we all have to grow up and realize that the only person that can help you is you. No one else knows what else it is that you need and no one else knows every detail that makes the puzzle click together. You have to be able to do it on your own.

Props!

Today I would like to congratulate any single mother, or father, who has to work 2 jobs in order to make ends meet, and do so successfully by raising healthy, strong, and educated children. I'm only trying to fend for myself and I feel like I have hardly any time to breathe. I cannot even imagine how these people do it day in and day out. Between teaching all day, working at the coffee shop all night/weekends and taking an online Spanish class I just feel like every minute is vital and in my down time(like now) I don't even have the energy to do what really needs done, like laundry. I hope to never have to be in that situation to start with but if I ever was for some horrible reason, I'm not real sure how I would manage. It kills me to just think about it.

Growing up.

I've done a lot of changing over the last few months I think. Everything is moving so quickly now and I have such hectic weeks that I have to really step up to the plate to make sure that everything is getting done in a timely matter. I can't slack off anymore I have to be on the ball now. In a few short(and yet long) months I'm making one of the biggest changes in my life by moving across the country and in order to be successful in that I have to be successful now. I have to do well in school, I have to do superior at teaching, I have to get all of my ducks in a row, and i have to work long hours in order to save some money. It has been leaving me fairly exhausted( I slept for 12 hours last night), but yet feeling so fulfilled.

This week has been an absolute whirlwind of emotions. It's no wonder I feel exhausted, aside from being at Kindergarten all day of course. A month ago at this time I was SO excited. It was my last night of work for the summer and I was beaming with joy. So much that people were even like what is your deal. The next day I was hopping a plane to Washington. Everything was good in life. A month later and here I am having to still wait another 3 almost 4 months. Most days I'm alright with it, some days I really struggle. The days that I struggle usually fall on the weekends because 1. That was our time. 2. I rarely get to talk with him and 3. I'm finally not overly busy to the point of not being able to even think straight. Although, this weekend is halfway over and I'm doing pretty darn good thanks to a couple of good friends who let me talk about it, but don't let me dwell in it. They help keep me busy and help keep my spirits high and I cannot thank them enough for it. I feel like this is one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life (I'm sure in 10 years it'll seem like a drop in the bucket, but for now it is.) I know I couldn't do it without friends to help me along the way. I'm already learning a lot about myself and our relationship through the whole experience and I think that is a good thing. I think our time apart is making us stronger together in the long run. That's what I tell myself anyway ;)

That was a scrambled mess, but that's just about how my head operates these days...

If I had a Genie...

I would wish for:

• a telephone service that was free and worked EVERYWHERE.
• an unlimited amount of free plane tickets for planes that took off at times that fit nicely with my life.
• A glimpse into what life is going to look like a year from now. (Hopefully it's drastically different)

I have more, but the typical rule of thumb for Genie's is that you only get 3. What would you wish for?

I find it odd that...

...the days fly but the weeks drag on forever, how does that work?

...my TV remote doesn't work. This is also completely annoying.

...I haven't gotten more upset since being back yet. I thought for sure it would happen. So far so good.

...I like being alone. No roommate for 3 days and I'm perfectly content.

...I like onions. I have never liked them and lately I cannot get enough.

...I ordered something completely out of my element at Frickers last night and LOVED it.

...I'm old enough to have conversations of marriage, kids, vehicles, bills, and life plans.

Oh Happy Day

I'm so excited to actually get to start teaching and get to start just being busy in the classroom. These first few days have been nice to get to know Karen and get to know the kids one on one, but it is SOOO boring. There is so much down time and nothing to do in it. Usually we stand at the windows and watch the kids at recess. It's been nice, but I'm ready to get the show on the road. One more boring day then we can finally start having some fun. Other things have been on my mind as well and have had me upset and frustrated, but I've decided to just take it all as it comes. I'm doing everything that I can. Other people need to take responsibility too.

My senior year of college is already underway and I still cannot believe that this is the end. As much as I hate to admit it, I do enjoy living here in Bluffton and being with friends. I think that this year is going to be the best because I feel like I have a little more privacy living in Nuefeld. Last night I got to catch up with a fellow classmate who is living on my floor and it really helped me to settle in. We have been through a lot together here at Bluffton and I'm positive that there is more to go through this semester. We are each others support system when things get sticky and I know I can always look to her to help relieve stress. I also got to chat with my fabulous boyfriend for quite a while late last night and I too am more comfortable now in that aspect. All in all I think that this semester is going to go much better than I originally thought. I just needed to get settled in.

Day stopping moment...

...America's Next Top Model Marathon on VH1.

I planned for today to be overly productive, but I now foresee myself laying in bed all day :)

Where the time goes.

I'm not sure where the past week has gone, but it sure has been hectic. I'm starting to become stressed already and I'm still on summer break :/ The top stresses are:

• Chuck's in Washington I'm still in Ohio...all in all a sucky situation.
• I have 42 kindergartners this semester..that's a lot of names to learn and a lot of pressure to do well.
• Spanish online. I was told we could use our books again....apparently that was all a lie. Good thing I'm NOT living near the school now and it's already in progress.
• Money. I didn't save at all this summer. That was bad. Now I have a good month almost before I get another check...yikes!
• Packing...normally this doesn't bother me, but last year i was completely unorganized leaving this year to start off a hectic mess.
• Arranging our room...again completely pathetic, but it's driving me insane because I'm just not sure how it's going to work and I know it's going to be heavy and I don't want my bed up in the air.

Best Friends

There are two types of friends in life. The first kind are the type that you enjoy spending time with and wish to see from time to time, but can go on with life without out them for a while. Usually you just stay friends because you have a common connection and see each other from time to time and they make you laugh, so you are deemed friends.

On the other hand there are best friends. These people know you inside and out. They know how you will respond before they even ask a question and they know all of the oddities of your life. This in return makes you unguarded and able to completely be yourself. The amazing part of having a best friend is that you can not see them for such a long period of time and when you do finally see them again it feels like you haven't even skipped a beat. I've known this to be true in the past because of going to college and things of that nature, but this week has completely proved it over and over again.

Shoes

I have this weird struggle with shoes because I love them, so I have far too many pairs. And then it comes time to pack and go somewhere and I KNOW I have to choose only a couple of pairs, but I start thinking do I plan my outfits to match the shoes I want to wear or do I pack shoes that I need to wear for the outfits that I want to wear. Confusing. Yes. Ridiculous. Absolutely. But I just can't decide what shoes I'm going to need out there and then when I think about what I want to wear I have to rethink what shoes would look OK with it. Ideally I'd end up taking about 5 pairs of shoes. I'm trying to limit it to 2-3.

Completely Ridiculous but incredibly annoying at the same time.

Another week comes to an end.

This week seems to have flown by incredibly quick.

CHEER: For having my concerns completely lifted and feeling normal again.

JEER: For having my last day of work with Julie today. It's been 5 fun years. That's for sure.

CHEER: For enjoying our last day together and pranking her pretty good. :)

CHEER: Having the beginning of the week off and spending time with people I don't normally get to.

CHEER: For only having 4 days until Washington!!!

I find it odd that I hate to make decisions and I hate to be the one in charge of making plans, but I LOVE to know exactly what is going to be happening when and where. That makes no sense. One would think that if I wanted to know what was going to be happening I would just choose what happened, but I don't. Instead I have these mini series playing in my head trying to come up with all of the possible outcomes. I have a million lists stored in my head of everything that I need to do or would like to accomplish soon and I start predicting outfits to wear, how to do my hair. Sometimes it gets so bad that I start trying to predict the conversations. I'm not sure why I do it because it's never right and I've never stumbled upon anything great, and in all actuality I usually ended up feeling let down because I've worked myself up so high. Absolutely ridiculous.

But, in saying that I already know what I want to wear on Thursday, how i want my hair to turn out, how i want to pack my carry on bag, and how I think the greeting could go.(there are multiple options for this.) Why I do this. I will never know.

I always find it odd that I can go days without hearing from most people, but the moment that you leave town or make plans the phone doesn't stop ringing. I was in Columbus for the first few days this week and all kinds of people kept trying to call me and wanted me to go do things. By the time I got home last night I had a list of places to be and hopped around from person to person attempting to fill all of their requests. It's been crazy hectic, but enjoyable all at the same time. I have a feeling tomorrow will probably follow the same pattern, too.

Cheers and Jeers

Another week comes to a close. Lets recap:

CHEER: My relaxation massage really worked. I continued to be relaxed all through the week.

CHEER: My days off at work were nicely spaced out so it never got too monotonous.

JEER: A Saturday off for once, and i had nothing to do...

CHEER: I got to talk to my boyfriend everyday but one. That always makes the week seem better.

CHEER: I've had really good in depth conversations about life with a couple of friends. I like really getting to the bottom of things from time to time

Obviously, it's been a pretty darn good week. That jeer was hard to come up with even. Cheers to the upcoming week for getting to go to Columbus with friends and for my countdown reaching single digit numbers :)

I enjoy reading postsecret.com so I've decided that I will start making my own post secrets to share. Not really a secret of course, but it's the same effect.

Only in a girls' world.

Last week for most of the week I was completely content and happy as a clam. Yesterday and today though I just cannot even decide what I am. I'm not angry, upset, or sad about anything and I wouldn't even know why I was if I were feeling those things. Nothing has changed since the beginning of the week, but I just have an uneasy feeling inside of me. I think it stems from thinking too far ahead and not having enough uninterrupted time for myself, but either way it is absolutely ridiculous how many emotional extremes you can be going through while sitting perfectly still for 5 minutes.

Two weeks. And the closer it gets the more I long for our reunion. So many things I want to say and do and so little time to do it. Mostly though I just miss being held tight and feeling so protected from the world.

Change Stations Now

This summer one of my goals was to get into shape, or at least make an attempt (being completely in shape is going to take years for me). I started going to Curves with a friend and I was a little leery about it. At the end of each month I get weighed and measured to see how much progress I have made and the numbers were really showing that I've done quite well. Although, looking in the mirror I just wasn't seeing it. Today though for the first time after I got out of the shower and put on my scrubs for work (as i do EVERY day) I though "wow" I think it is working... So hats off to Curves for actually knowing what they are doing. I recommend it to anyone who has 30 minutes to spare in their day.

Yesterday I talked to three people who are very near and dear to me. I talked to more than three people yesterday they just don't fit into this category... anyhow, by the end of the night when I was tossing and turning trying to fall asleep I realized how different each person is and yet how much I need them in my life.

Person 1: She is my best friend. We've been through a lot together ever since middle school and we are in the same stage of life. I hadn't talked to her for a couple of weeks and it never ceases to amaze me how we can just pick up where we left off like it is nothing. It's also comforting to know that someone else has a less than stable life, just like myself. We both go away to school, we both move home for the summer, we both have boyfriends who are not at home with us. Needless to say we do a lot of traveling and we have to figure out how to have a job, go to school, and balance lives in two different cities.

Person 2: Another great friend from high school. She is in a different place in life. She works two jobs, doesn't go away to school and doesn't have a boyfriend that she has to juggle into the mix. Sometimes I worry that because she doesn't do all of the stuff that I do maybe she won't understand where I'm coming from, but that's rarely the case. Spending time with her is just refreshing because we are carefree and are just out to enjoy our time.

Person 3: He is more to me that I can even begin to explain. Before last night I hadn't heard his voice for a week and although I didn't exactly love the fact I was alright with it because we still talked online. Last night though getting to talk on the phone and being able to laugh together just put me in the best mood ever. There's something about having that one person who you can always laugh with and who can always know how you will react before you can even figure it out that just makes you feel secure in life.

All three people are great people and I am beyond thankful to have them in my life. Among the other amazing people who I am also thankful for.

Hats off to the past. Sleeves up to the future.

Yesterday I worked at a fundraising event for the Lutheran Home and there was an older gentleman who was scooping ice cream next to me. As we stood there we talked and I told him that I was going to school to be a teacher and that I only had one year left. He then responded by telling me that if I want to actually get a job I should consider moving out of state. I then told him that I was planning on going to Washington. I didn't get into the details of why, I just said that I was going to look for a job out there. He responded so wonderfully and was so encouraging. Most people that I tell are very against it because they don't want me to leave or they think that it's ridiculous. Here was a man I have never met before who obviously had lived a full life of his own (He lived in Las Vegas for 17 years) approving of me moving out there. Afterwards I just thought you know, this is the right decision. Many of people are going to have to deal with it, but it isn't about making them happy it's about making me happy.

No one said it was going to be easy...

...they just said it would be worth it. I'm in a long distance relationship. I'm in Ohio he's in the state of Washington. I'm still pretty new at the whole thing as he has only been gone for about a month and a half. Most days I feel like I am doing much better with the whole thing than I ever thought I would be. I just get in ruts though, especially when our lives are busy and we don't get to talk, where I just feel like it's never going to work. I've never been one to just go with the flow I always need a plan and this doesn't have much of a plan. I think that's why I struggle. There is a small light in the end of the tunnel though. I get to go visit him in about 18 days!

I found this Spa online a while back. And I drooled over it and decided that being a teacher would never make me wealthy enough to enjoy its perks. I mean just say the name, it sounds luxurious. It is also located about four hours from home, so I drooled and then smacked myself into reality. With much convincing and deliberation a good friend of mine talked me into going. Just this once. Finally I shelled out the money and decided I would treat myself. Today we went. It was absolutely amazing. I could live in that place. We both had facials, massages, and pedicures. After the facial and massage I was so relaxed I didn't even want to move. Perhaps one day again I'll be able to experience another place just as amazing as this one.

We are safely in Indy. Tomorrow should be a treat. I've clearly grown up in a small flat place for 21 years because the roads here pretty well terrify me. Perhaps it would be better if I actually knew where I was. Either way I think I have to get used to it in order to survive being a resident of Washington.

One Step Closer

Last Saturday night my phone had an unfortunate accident and I haven't been able to see anything on the screen ever since. I ordered a new one online and I've been patiently waiting for it to arrive ( OK maybe not so patiently). It is finally here, now all I have to do is have it activated. You never realize how much you miss something until it's actually gone.

I'm also leaving for Indianapolis soon. I think I deserve it :)

Mid-July Already?

I've already been out of school for 2 months already. It's really hard to believe. At the beginning of summer I always have a list of things that I intend to accomplish this summer. It's always bigger and more extravagant at the beginning than the accomplished list is at the end, but this summer time is really just slipping by. Let's check in on the dreaded summer checklist.

1. Start working out: This has actually happened. I have joined Curves and I really love going. I'm even seeing results.
2. Start eating better: This is sadly not working out so well. You would think it would pair well with number one, but I just love junk too much. I have although cut back on the amount, so that's something.
3. Read a Book: I love to read when I have time to read. I like being able to start and end a book all in the same day. I have successfully read 3 already this summer and have started on a 4Th. Nicholas Sparks' "The Wedding" was by far my favorite. An absolutely wonderful book.
4. Save a lot of money: I've done a good job at picking up hours and making more money, I just haven't been able to save it. Largely due to a few unforeseen bumps in the road.
5. Enjoy myself: This is my last summer before I have to become a "real adult" and even through all of the ups and downs that this summer has brought along, I really think that I am enjoying it greatly.

All in all, I suppose it has been fairly successful thus far. Hopefully more will unfold in the next month.