Procrastination

Why do I procrastinate? Who knows? It is getting really bad though, I am procrastinating, procrastinating. I feel like I'm on idle right now. Where has my night gone? Mainly to facebook, myspace, and my email (which is always empty). Aside from a few conversations on AIM (one of which was 2 hours and felt like 30 minutes) I really have accomplished NOTHING tonight. Why don't I just do it and get it over with? Probably because I don't really care about the things that I need to get done. I just have to do them to please other people, mainly paperwork for student teaching. I want to do something that is pleasing to me. Lately though the one thing that I want and the one thing that is completely occupying my mind is completely unattainable. Isn't that the truth about life, always wanting what you can't have, and never being happy when you do have it. Ridiculous.

What is the point of this blog? I don't really know...I guess just to put off writing one stupid lesson plan. Ridiculous.

At what point does a person realize that things aren’t going as well as once planned? Is it a somewhat subconscious thought? It there part of you that can start to mentally let go without even realizing it? These are just a few of the many questions that I have asked myself lately. It’s only been four days since my life “As I knew it” was turned upside down. I always thought that if I were to be put into this situation I would really struggle to cope, but I’m not. I’m not struggling. What I’m struggling with is the guilt that I don’t feel more hurt. How could someone who meant SO much to me leaves my life and it not even bother me for more than a day?
I think over the past few months I was slowly letting go. I sort of understood that it wasn’t what it used to be, but I was hanging onto the hope that it would magically become something more. I had a dream of what I wanted it to be like and I was running with that dream not with reality. Still though knowing all of this and understanding that I have been seeing this coming I still don’t understand how it’s all magically ok. Is it ok because I don’t have time to really think about it? Is it ok because I have faith that there is someone better for me out there? Is it because I feel like I’m strong enough to finally be me on my own? I think it’s a mix of all three. Everything happens for a reason and he most definitely made me a more confident person, a more driven person, and a more optimistic person. That is what I believe his role in my life was, to show me what I could really be. There wasn’t a need to be scared or to feel backed into a corner when put up against a new situation. I also feel like I know what I want in a person more than ever now and hopefully I can find someone to fit those needs very soon. But, when is it ok to really make that move again? How do you know that you are ready to move on and be with someone different?
And then the someone different…Is it completely weird to be with someone completely new? There aren’t inside jokes anymore. They don’t know what makes you tick and for so long you were used to the other person just knowing. I’m sure it is an exciting adventure all over again, but is it harder the second time around? I suppose it’s a good way to figure out if you have chose the right person this time because it should be liberating to be with them; a refreshing change. Obviously I wouldn’t want to rush into anything and I would probably move emotionally slower than I did in the past, but it can’t be harmful to just hang out with someone and get to know them early on, can it?

So many questions, So many decisions, So many emotions, and an hour to kill between conferences…

My Man Wish List...

During all of my reflecting about my past relationship and my future I've come to a rough list of qualities that I want the next person I date to have. This is not to say that my last relationship lacked all of these because it most certainly did not.

I want him to have dreams and aspirations. I want him to truly care how my day was. I want him to be able to share how he is feeling with me. I want him to be affectionate. I want to be showered with hugs, kisses and best wishes. I want him to want to be with me and to call. I want him to tell his friends about me and not be ashamed. I want him to compliment me at random times not just when I've obviously put effort into getting ready. I want to feel supported and trusted. I need him to get my humor and my sarcasm. I want to feel safe. I want to still be able to act like a kid sometimes.

Really I could probably keep going, but that's a good start right...

And then one day...

...Your world crumbles.

For two and a half years (pretty much all of my college career) I have been in a relationship that I thought was the ONE. Clearly, after tonight I am aware that it was really just an amazing dream that I have been rudely woken up from. Now what do I do? That's a good question. One that I don't really have an answer to because I've never had to do this before. One day at a time I guess.

"You need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head, which means not at all..."

Sometimes all life needs is a radio.

I love when you are in the car alone, or at home alone and really get the chance to listen to the words of songs on the radio. I also love when you just happen to stumble across the song that fits your life so well. Here are a few of the songs that I enjoy at the moment:

• Julianne Hough - My Hallelujah Song
• Chris Daughtry - Used To
• Zac Brown Band - Chicken Fried
• Heidi Newfield - Johnny and June
• Carrie Underwood - Just A Dream
• Sugarland - All I Want To Do
• Steven Curtis Chapman-Cinderella

There are plenty more, but who wants to read them all...

Everyone comes to a fork in their life at time and they have to decide what path to take. Sometimes they make the decision after much thought, prayer, and deliberating, but sometimes the decision is made unconsciously. I think it is the unconscious decisions that really take us places in life. When you grow apart from friends it isn't always a decision that you lose sleep over, it just happens with time. Usually looking back on it all though growing apart from that friend was for the best. It's sad that you had to give up all of the good times that you shared, and a friendship that you could count on, but there was something about it holding you back from being who you need to be. Then at that very moment when you pinpoint the reason you didn't need them anymore there is a sense of accomplishment because you took a step toward being who you should be, and now you are one step closer.

Because somedays you forget to look up.

Top Five things to be thankful for right now:

1. Student Teaching: As stressful as it may be, i really do love it and come home happy at the end of every day.
2. Common Grounds: How did I survive the first 2 years without a job?
3. Good Friends: Even on a bad day they can make you laugh
4. Reminiscing about the past instead of worrying about the future.
5. New foods: It's exciting when you try something new and absolutely LOVE it! This week's new thing. Bagels with whipped cream cheese and honey.

Spinning

The past three days have brought along more emotions than anyone should have to deal with at one time. I've cried, I've laughed, I've been terrified, I've felt lost, I've felt alone, I've felt reassured, I've been thankful, I've been rejuvenated, and yet the cycle just starts all over again daily. The bothersome part is that there isn't much I can do about it, that the decisions that were once mine are now being handled by someone else and that someone else is being influenced negatively. (Or so I believe...who really knows).

I think there are many lessons that I have learned in life lately. I don't know exactly what has brought them all about and I'm not exactly sure how I have come to terms with it, but it really boggles my mind. Here are a few:

• Be Thankful for what you have: You might not be getting exactly what you want in life, but if what you have makes you happy then what is the problem. Typically it's only a problem when you compare it to someone elses life.
• Don't blow things out of proportion: For the most part everything is pretty easy to figure out. If someone tells you that something is needing to be changed, then listen to them. It probably needs to be changed it's not some huge underlying issue.
• Take care of yourself: No one else should have to do it for you. You shouldn't NEED to have someone else helping you out. You should always be the number one person in your life. Don't bend and strain to impress others.
• Spend time with people you love: They have a special power to be able to melt your stress away. They know you well enough to help you forget your troubles and they are almost always good for a laugh. Taking socialization out of your life will not help you get more accomplished, it'll only add to the stress.
• Sit back and listen: When you are with people who are being so negative and complaining about everything in life it is ok to not jump in and join. It's ok to just sit and listen and let them vent. Sometimes complaining just to add to feel included in a conversation makes the rest of your day a downer. While listening sit back and think about everything that you are thankful for.