At what point does a person realize that things aren’t going as well as once planned? Is it a somewhat subconscious thought? It there part of you that can start to mentally let go without even realizing it? These are just a few of the many questions that I have asked myself lately. It’s only been four days since my life “As I knew it” was turned upside down. I always thought that if I were to be put into this situation I would really struggle to cope, but I’m not. I’m not struggling. What I’m struggling with is the guilt that I don’t feel more hurt. How could someone who meant SO much to me leaves my life and it not even bother me for more than a day?
I think over the past few months I was slowly letting go. I sort of understood that it wasn’t what it used to be, but I was hanging onto the hope that it would magically become something more. I had a dream of what I wanted it to be like and I was running with that dream not with reality. Still though knowing all of this and understanding that I have been seeing this coming I still don’t understand how it’s all magically ok. Is it ok because I don’t have time to really think about it? Is it ok because I have faith that there is someone better for me out there? Is it because I feel like I’m strong enough to finally be me on my own? I think it’s a mix of all three. Everything happens for a reason and he most definitely made me a more confident person, a more driven person, and a more optimistic person. That is what I believe his role in my life was, to show me what I could really be. There wasn’t a need to be scared or to feel backed into a corner when put up against a new situation. I also feel like I know what I want in a person more than ever now and hopefully I can find someone to fit those needs very soon. But, when is it ok to really make that move again? How do you know that you are ready to move on and be with someone different?
And then the someone different…Is it completely weird to be with someone completely new? There aren’t inside jokes anymore. They don’t know what makes you tick and for so long you were used to the other person just knowing. I’m sure it is an exciting adventure all over again, but is it harder the second time around? I suppose it’s a good way to figure out if you have chose the right person this time because it should be liberating to be with them; a refreshing change. Obviously I wouldn’t want to rush into anything and I would probably move emotionally slower than I did in the past, but it can’t be harmful to just hang out with someone and get to know them early on, can it?

So many questions, So many decisions, So many emotions, and an hour to kill between conferences…