I am completely over my last relationship. There is not a single part of me that ever wants him back or misses what I had with him, but there is a part of me that still gets PISSED when I stop to think about what I went through with him. There are so many things that I settled for and so many excuses that I made. Let's explore a few.
He never looked forward to seeing me. He liked to spend time with me, but never was anxiously awaiting the day we could be together again. I always looked forward to seeing him. He was what made me happy, how could I not? Why was it not a red flag that he didn't share those feelings?
He never had time for me during the week. Getting him to spare 15 minutes of his day to ask how mine was, was too much. I decided it was ok because he was busy and all was well. Who doesn't have 15 minutes to give to their girlfriend? Dumb.
He made fun of my school and my major. It was the "easiest job in the world". Anyone can teach apparently. Forget the part about laws, state requirements, disorders, techniques, parents, administrators and all of that. Teaching was "easy". That is my dream. That is what I want to do with my life and I let him knock it. Why?
He didn't like my friends, so I took his side. They were MY friends. They are a part of me, they are who I am. Perhaps he didn't like who I was then. It's a wonder I came out of that relationship with any friends left. I'm thankful for the ones I do have.
We couldn't talk. I mean we talked all the time, but not about serious things. I would hold them all in until one day I would just break and it would all spill out. Communication is key and it was NOT our thing. I was afraid of what he would say, how he would judge me. How could he not care what was happening in my head? And why did I say it was ok that he didn't care?
My appearance. He didn't compliment me he told me how I was doing it all wrong. My clothes were never right, my hair was never right, I had too many moles, I needed to fix that and this and everything else. It's no wonder I'm self-conscious about things.
1 comment:
Ahh the day I've been waiting for this.. I prayed daily that you would someday see it from the outside.. I'm glad you have.. just sorry you had to deal with it for so long..
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